The Fear of Gifts

Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone.  I confess I do love Valentine’s Day!  I love the dark chocolate, the sparkly hearts, and pink roses that accompany the romantic holiday.  I love the mushy cards and catching starry-eyed lovebirds playing kissy face in the park.  Without fail, every year I adorn myself in the holiday spirit.  This year I dressed in my most red, flowery dress, paired with my perfectly love-colored coat, and finished my tresses with curls and flips.  I cannot help myself!  I love Valentine’s Day and all that it represents.  Surprising?  I regretfully do not always come off as a romantic, but here is the deep, dark secret:  I am such a romantic.  I shamelessly dream of the perfect romance and secretly cannot wait until I can say, “I’m engaged!”  The cat is out of the bag.  I work so hard to maintain a realistic, emotionless exposure, but the love holiday literally disintegrates all barriers and I cannot help but shout out, “I LOVE LOVE!” 

When I woke up Tuesday morning and realized it was Valentine’s Day, I was overcome with the instinctual thought, “Why am I single on Valentine’s Day AGAIN?” I paused on that thought to determine what that meant and then shuddered as another thought entered my mind: “If I were dating someone, I would have to get him a gift.  NOOOOOO!!!!!”  Relief swept over my body and I was instantly thankful that I was single.  You see, as much as I love this holiday and I absolutely love to see couples exchanging gifts of candy and kisses, I have a personal fear of gift giving. 

What is the fear of gift giving called?

In all honesty, I would not be surprised if this is a common fear.  The idea of picking out a gift for a significant other is horrifying to me.  A gift could mean so much and so little all at once.  A gift could be interpreted the wrong way, or worse, the right way!  A gift could take the relationship to the next level or end the relationship all together.  There is so much pressure in gift giving.  I cannot handle it.  Receiving gifts is even more difficult for me.  I never know how to respond and I always, always, always over think the meaning of a gift.  It is a true curse.  Someday a young man will give me a ring and I will have no idea how to handle it.  I am sure I will be a basket case.  I dream and dread that day.  Oh the cruelty of my state!

Let me illustrate why I have this fear:

1.  When I turned 16 there was a young boy waiting to date me.  I was absolutely crazy about him and was flattered that he respected my parents’ wishes to wait till I was 16.  On my 16^th birthday he surprised me with an amazing gift to signify the start of our relationship and his devotion to me.  The gift was a silver bracelet with real sapphire stones all the way around (my birthstone).  I was flattered and enamored by this gift.  I wore it everyday until the tragic end of our high school romance.  When it ended, I had no idea what to do with the bracelet!  I panicked.  Was I to give it back?  It was so beautiful, though.  Could I still wear it?  What if he asked for it?  I had no idea what to do with it.  So, I hid it and prayed that no one would find it.  I kept it hidden until I moved away and could safely wear it again.  Every time I put it on though, I feared that people would ask where I got it.  I did not want questions and I did not want to relive the painful story of our dramatic romance.  I told myself I would never put myself into a position again to receive such a gift.  That was the beginning of my fear of gifts.

2.  When I was 21 I started dating someone weeks before Christmas.  As the holiday drew closer and closer, the question, “Do I buy him a gift?” began to haunt me.  It loomed like a giant nightmare.  One day he asked me out of the blue, “What do you want for Christmas?” 

Oh no!     

I had no response.  My heart started to pound hard against my chest.  Did he expect us to exchange gifts?  We had only been dating for three weeks.  What was the proper etiquette in this situation?  I wiped the slight perspiration off my forehead and quickly said, “Oh.  Anything that makes me laugh. Eh haa HA.”  That was a dumb answer, but vague enough to show that I did not expect anything from him.  Or should I? 

Every night, as I lay in bed, I was haunted with this perplexing situation.  Was I supposed to buy him a gift?  AH!  I finally decided that I could get him a gift.  It would be small and not significant in any way.  Just enough to say, “Merry Christmas!”

On Christmas Eve we saw each other.  I kept the small present neatly tucked away in my pocket.  I kept my sweaty hand covered over it and waited for the right moment to bring it out.  We chatted, laughed (nervously), and then…he left.  He said nothing of presents or even Christmas!  Christmas came and went.  Three days passed until I saw him.  Again, I held the present enclosed in my trembling hand, waiting for the perfect moment to give it to him.   I was almost sure he had a gift for me.  But I did not want to give him one if he did not have one for me!  How silly would that be?  I could feel the heat rising to my face.  I started to get flustered and wanted to just pull out the gift and run away.  I bought him a gift!  I should not have been embarrassed to give it to him, but I was.  After a week went by, I was certain there was to be no gift exchange.  I pulled his gift from my hiding place in my room and threw it away.  I felt so stupid for even thinking of giving him a gift.

Ha.  Oh dear.  These are only two of the many experiences that I have had with gift giving.  Really, it is a shameful curse.  I truly do not know what to do with all the pressure and emotion involved in gift giving.  I usually end up in a corner somewhere recovering from a slight panic attack.  Some people can give and receive gifts without even thinking about it.  How blessed they are!  I worship the ground they walk on.  What a true, beautiful talent that is!

Heaven help me, I have problems.

Luckily, I have a whole year before Valentine’s Day rolls around again.  So, I can shelf my fear of gift giving for a bit while I remain single.  I will tackle that fear if I find myself in a relationship next February.  Until then, I am home free…whew!

WAIT. 

What if I am in a relationship during Christmas? GULP!